This sucks

So seriously, how am I supposed to get through this time?  I was doing better and then bam!  December.  Here I am, my normal size jeans.  I should be as big as a house!  But i'm not.  I am 46 days away from the day I should have become a mom.  And i'm not.  I will not be a mom in 46 days.  I will still be my normal size jeans.  I will still be me.  It will still just be the two of us. I will still not be able to sleep.  I'll just be.  How am i going to get through christmas?  I would have been bustling around making sure things were ready, trying not to slip in the snow.  I'm not.  instead i'm trying not to cry.  i'm trying not to think about what isn't inside.   i'm trying to focus on my life with joe.  i'm trying to be thankful for the life we have and not dwell on the things i don't.  How shall I get through the days without being pregnant.  i thought i would be by now.  i thought god would give me a miracle to get through the days.  something to make me want to wake up instead of hide.  i've counted the days.  it's god's little joke.  i will start my period on my due date.  it isn't funny.  it's one of life's little ironies.  it isn't funny.  maybe it is coming full circle, letting me know it is time to move on.  time to let go.  but seriously, how do i get through this time?

i love you little one