My new life
Is waking up each day and reliving the worst day of my life. Hearing every word spoken to me, seeing every sad face looking at me. Staring at a screen with my dead child on it while asking for it’s last picture. Seeing my husband’s face after telling him the news.
Involves an aching jealousy that I’ve never felt before
Is hiding myself in dressing rooms while shopping after seeing a pregnant person
Is having to answer the question, when are you going to have kids? With we lost our first
Is hiding my tears from people I love so they stop feeling sorry for me but realizing that no one really does
Is crying in the shower so no one knows
Is constantly touching my stomach wishing it was all a dream
Is thinking about how big I should be
Is hiding from friends who have children because I just can’t take it
Is avoiding trying on clothes that shouldn’t fit me right now
Is not being able to wear makeup because it won’t last more than an hour at a time
Is being afraid to sleep because that means I have to wake up and do it all over again
Is doing everything I can to not be me anymore
Is trying not to be mad at God for taking my baby from me and trying to be comforted by the thought that he has my baby with him
Has turned into hating people for forgetting
Is wanting to never speak to those who so carelessly speak about friends who are pregnant to me. I just want to scream I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!
Is living in fear that I won’t ever be able to carry a child
Is wondering each day if there is something wrong with me
Is asking what I did to deserve this
Is trying to move on but not finding the right shoes to take those steps in
Is being reminded of what we lost everywhere I turn
Involves throwing away things that come in the mail for the pregnant mother…. She doesn’t live here anymore
Is not being able to think about anything else
Is looking in the mirror and hating what I see
Is trying to fight back the tears minute by minute
Is trying not to be a downer on everyone else, but wishing just once someone would act like they cared
Is wearing a symbol of my child around my neck, without anyone knowing what it means
Is trying to stay positive about something that is devastating
Is trying not to hate my husband for getting over it
Is hating people for telling me to get over it
Is trying to find something to fill this void, but realizing that nothing ever could
Is being thankful for what I have while knowing that is just isn’t enough
Is feeling empty inside
Is knowing that there will always be a piece of me that is missing
Is knowing that my heart will never be whole again
Is wanting to scream at people who so carelessly talk about all the awful things that happen to your body when you are pregnant and wanting to tell them how greatful I would be for those things to happen to me.
Is realizing that I hate my new life
